Becoming Ms. Frizzle

I shouldn't be home (in Canyon) today. I should be in College Station living my life as I usually do. But someone had different plans for me today.

Sunday brought pain and heartache to my life, the likes of which I'd never experienced. So, I decided on Sunday that I would rearrange my schedule and work with my employers to take a short visit home to be loved on and get some R&R. I figured that since I was in the area I might as well let Amarillo ISD and Canyon ISD know that I was around for a few days if they wanted any face-to-face interviews. Lo and behold, I wound up with four interviews in two days!

This morning I met with the principal, vice principal, and science chair at Amarillo Area Center for Advanced Learning (AACAL for short). I fell in love. The school is different than any school I've ever seen. The students apply to the program and want to be there. Only math and science courses are taught (students spend one half of the day at another local high school for English, history, etc). Students are motivated and (hopefully) nerdy! Any wonder as to why I fell in love?

After my hour and a half long interview at AACAL I headed to a middle school which I didn't hate, but I also didn't love. I headed home with all my hopes in the AACAL basket feeling that God had shown me what he had in store for my life. Not an hour after my second interview I received a call from HR in Amarillo offering me the biology position at AACAL! Out of professional respect for Canyon ISD, (with whom I had a 2:00pm interview) I did not give a decision immediately. But after find out that Canyon had nothing to offer me, the decision practically made itself.

That being said, I will officially begin work as a freshman biology teacher at AACAL in Amarillo ISD in early August! God is good and his timing is weird.

Longing Heart-By Jeremy Camp

What can separate us
From the love of Jesus Christ
Nothing this world can even change
The thought I once was lost
But now been given grace
It's a mystery that I will not chase

You are all this heart is longing for
Jesus, you are all my soul is pleading for

What can separate us
From the love of Jesus Christ
Nothing in this world can even change
The thought I once was lost
But now been given grace
It's a mystery I will not chase

I don't understand it
How you love the way you do
Even when I've fallen
You always lift me up to you

Music speaks to the soul and often speaks for the soul. So, until my soul can speak again, I plan to share lyrics for songs that reflect my life, mood, or otherwise. Today is "Surrender" by Barlow Girl.

"Surrender"

My hands hold safely to my dreams
Clutching tightly not one has fallen
So many years I've shaped each one
Reflecting my heart showing who I am
Now you're asking me to show
What I'm holding oh so tightly
Can't open my hands can't let go
Does it matter?
Should I show you?
Can't you let me go?

Surrender, surrender you whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know but can't you see?
My dreams are me. My dreams are me

You say you have a plan for me
And that you want the best for my life
Told me the world had yet to see
What you can do with one
That's committed to Your calling
I know of course what I should do
That I can't hold these dreams forever
If I give them now to You
Will You take them away forever?
Or can I dream again?

Tonight as I was driving home from my softball game and listening to KSBJ, I heard the song "I Will Wait." This wasn't the first time to hear the song, but this was the first time that it struck a chord with my heart. I realized that I have been worshiping, serving, and praising God conditionally. When life goes well, I willingly worship and serve. When life doesn't go so well, I don't.

Having recognized this tendency within myself, I am now going to consciously choose to serve and worship God even when life does not go as I planned. I am so impatient and I want my plans to happen when I want them to happen.

There seems to be a strange disconnect between my heart and and my head. In my head I know that God will provide, that his timing is perfect. But in my heart, I won't let go of control, or at least what I think is control.

So, as I said before, today I am choosing to worship, choosing to serve. I will do so because whether God follows my plans or not, he is worthy of worship, praise, and service. "While I wait, I will serve you. While I wait, I will worship. Even while I wait."

This weekend I went to a junior high youth retreat with my kiddos (the A&M UMC kids) and had a great time. The speaker has had quite a life story and I wanted to share with you the story he took us on throughout the weekend.

First: Our lives must fall apart.

This means we must realize that our lives are empty and lost without God. Once we realize that we are nothing without Him, we must

Fall out of control.

We constantly must make conscious decisions to willfully seek God's way. If we choose to continually grasp for control, we are not truly trusting God's will. Once we've let go we can

Fall in love.


Josh told us this weekend that God wrote us a love letter that shows all of his different types of love. In Genesis he is our Creator, in Exodus he is our Passover Lamb, in Numbers he is our Manna, in Leviticus he is our High priest.... Once we have fallen in love with our God, then we can

"Fall"ow his ways.

I pray that we love others to Christ and take his love with us wherever we go. Leave a legacy of love.

I think the Lord is trying to tell me something about how powerful and awe inspiring he is. This Sunday at church Laurinda gave a moving sermon about awe being an integral component of prayer. I'm talking, make-me-cry, sermon, and I don't cry easily. She spoke about finding awe in life, the creation of our Creator. Being awe is standing in the presence of something beyond understand, beyond recognition, beyond human capacity. She spoke of a boy whose father had passed away. He fell to his knees in the funeral home and cried out to the Lord saying, "Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh" because no words could describe his emotion. I've been there. I've walked that valley where understanding is lost. There aren't maps for those times. The times when we stand utterly confused and perplexed by a God who is so much greater. A God who deserves our awe.

Tonight as I was reading for book club tomorrow I came across this idea of awe and wonder at our maker. Donald Miller explained that not being able to understand God and all of his boundless measure is a great comfort to him. I agree. Knowing that we are created, thus our Creator must be greater, makes me know that it's okay to not know (did you understand that confusing thought?). There are so many aspects of my life that cause me to question and worry and fret, for what though? God has it under control. He is so much greater and beyond my understanding that I should have no fear. The only fear I need in my life is a holy fear, a reverent fear of my Maker.

So today I make it a point to truly try to lay my worries at the One who created me and to simply lift my heart, my head, and my hands in awe and wonder. The lyrics below belong to a song that I've heard about 100 times this semester and fit this idea of not being capable of full understanding. For I do not and cannot understand the holiness of God and his unfailing, compassionate love. I think my heart wrote this song and sent it to Addison Road.


What Do I Know of Holy-By Addison Road

I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life "its" name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?

Tonight is Passover, the day that Christians recognize as Maundy Thursday, the day that, almost 2000 years ago, Jesus shared his last meal with his disciples. Every year before that ominous one, families would sacrifice a lamb to remember that God had brought them out of Egypt. The next day changed the rest of history.

Tomorrow is Good Friday, the day Jesus was sacrificed as our Passover Lamb. He is blameless, sinless, and the embodiment of love. His blood has washed away my sin if I believe in him and ask him for forgiveness. I am not worthy of his love, yet he freely gives it to me, a sinner. Never forget the time between Palm Sunday and Easter! Never forget that Jesus took up my cross and your cross, carried them on his shoulder up Calvary, and was crucified so that I might have everlasting life! Easter would not have value without Good Friday, so I urge you to remember the sacrifice of our Lord of love today, tomorrow, and always. He has ransomed our hearts so that we might join him and praise him for all of our days. So fall down at his thrown and worship the great God of forgiveness and love.