Becoming Ms. Frizzle

Lately I have really been questioning my decision to go into the classroom. More days than not I feel very ineffective and even more unwanted. I know this is typical when dealing with teenagers, but I seem to notice it more than the teachers around me.

There are several questions I ask myself daily. The first of which is "How can I make students take ownership for their own learning?" More often than not, the answer I arrive at is, I can't. I teach and I reteach. I let the students try to teach one another. I ask the same questions over and over again, and I always come up dry. I play games in class before a test to hopefully solidify the learning. Do you know what happens? I may end up with a handful of As and Bs and the majority of the rest get Cs or fail. Those students who get As and Bs would have most likely done so without the game, because they are either very gifted or have taken ownership (at least partially) of their learning. I am not one to coddle, and feel that that is what is required of me. Yes, I will hold your hand and do everything I can to make you feel better if you're having emotional problems, but if you're not learning the information being taught to you in seven different ways, I cannot and will not hold your hand.

I wonder if I'm struggling so much with this very topic because I was what most teachers would probably consider the "ideal" student. If I didn't understand a concept in class, you bet I was the student asking questions until I did or I'd go home and pour over the information until an epiphany came. I studied for every test. I was shocked and disappointed in myself if I received a grade lower than a 95 (really if it wasn't the highest in the class). Which brings me to my next question:

When are students going to learn that failing once means that they need to study more next time? I have students that fail and fail and fail again, and I don't understand. For me knowing that I did poorly only gave me a boost to study more next time. I don't know if it's that these students are simply defeated after years of poor performance in school, if they haven't made the connection between studying and a good score, or if they simply don't care. Does anybody know how to reach these students?

The next question I must ask myself is whether I am cut out to be a classroom teacher or not. To say I have a strong, fairly dominant personality would be the understatement of the century. Is my personality too much to handle 130 pubescent teenagers' personalities each an every day? Would it be better suited working in an administration role? In a junior college setting? In the library? Or are all of these questions a product of being overworked this first semester? I know that as a first year teacher I should be putting in more work than the other teachers  as they have already put in that work, but I spend most days from 7:00am-5or6:00pm at school only to be followed by potentially more hours at home working on school "stuff." I do not think this is normal for a first year teacher.

Now that I am done ranting, any insights, suggestions, or general advice would be much appreciated.

Today has been the best day of my teaching career thus far. And it's not just because I got home at 3:05 and have no work to do over the weekend.  I genuinely enjoyed teaching today!  Yes, even my afternoon classes!

We have our six weeks exam on Monday.  I know you are asking yourself, "Why would she give a huge exam on a Monday?" The answer is "Because the school said so."  In preparation for the exam I opted for a game of Trashball.  The alternative was having the students quietly (right....) sit at their tables and answer questions on a review that most likely wouldn't make it home, or more likely even to the next class period.  Not only would this be boring, it would be less productive. Thus we played a game.

For any teachers out there unfamiliar with Trashball, let me introduce you to a surefire winner.

1. Divide your class into 2 teams (boys vs. girls always a good option)
2. Prepare questions which correspond with the necessary study material
3. Get an empty trash can (basket) and a wadded-up piece of paper (ball)
4. Place three strips of masking tape at increasing distances from your trash can
5. Label the lines "1 point", "2 points", and "3 points"
6. Individuals on the team will alternate answering questions and subsequently have the opportunity to shoot some baskets for additional points

The point system I use is:

• Answering the question correctly: 1 point
• Additional points earned based on line from which the students throw
• If student misses the shot, no additional points
• No points earned if question answered incorrectly

The team with the most points at the end wins.  You will have to watch for cheaters, but taking points away for cheating is a great stopper to that problem.  Additionally, if you post the rules on the board, your students will not be able to argue with your calls as long as you are fair and abide by the rules.

Onto how the game made my day great!  Lately I have been struggling with a few of my classes being too rowdy.  My attempts at keeping my students quiet had failed and I was about to hang my head in shame.  BUT today I wanted them to get into the game and enjoy class and biology.   And Trashball did just that!  I played on their loudness and exuberance and joined in the shenanigans. The old adage is true-If you can't beat them, join them. And that is just what happened today.  So my advice is to let your kids be kids on occasion and you will all enjoy the day much more than sitting in silence.

This has been a week of laughter. At my students' expense. I know that we are supposed to be supportive 100% of the time, but sometimes you have to let out a belly laugh at the creativity of your students' incorrect responses.  Below you will find my top 2 favorite wrong answers of the week!

Q.  What function does the stoma serve in plants?
A.  "Yes, plants" have stoma.

Q.  List in order the classification heirarchy:
A.  Kingdom
      Phylum
      Class
      Order
      Family
      GENITAL
      Species

I kid you not!

I'm assuming it is true for every profession, but teaching is the only career with which I am personally familiar, so I'm basing this idea off my teaching experience.  There is just not enough time in the week to get everything done you want to get done.  Let me give you a taste of a typical weekday for me.  Wake up at about 5:15, get to work by 7:00, leave work at 6:00, go to gym until 7:30, get dinner ready and eat by 8:30, clean up dinner and prepare lunch for the following day, and it is now 9:15 or so.  As I wake up in 8 hours there is not much time left for anything other than a short phone call with my Marine, and sleep. 

For some sleep isn't as important, but as any of you who have known me for a while realize, I turn into a dragon when I don't sleep. I begin to breathe fire and snap at those around me. It's not pretty. Therefore, I do my very best to get adequate sleep so that I don't become a fire-breathing dragon.

Not only is sleep important for my sanity, but it's also important for my health. They say that first year teachers are notorious for getting sick. Let me explain. Kids aren't always sanitary. We are around approximately 130 kids for 7 hours a day. There is ample opportunity for disease transmission. Generally this isn't a problem for veteran teachers as they have built up incredible immune systems and achieved the all important balancing act of time management. I am reassured by all teachers that it does get easier. I won't always spend 11 hours a day at school only to be followed by more work at home. I pray that is true. Until then, I plan to eat healthily, exercise thoroughly (great for immune system AND stress), sleep amply, and drink my Crystal Light Immunity everyday! Perhaps the fact that I look like I'm still a kid will keep the germs away. Maybe they won't recognize that I'm a first year teacher.

So, the blog is under construction and in the capable hands of Danny.  Please be patient as we make these new changes.

Do you ever have a day during which you wonder if those around you actually do possess a brain, heart, or courage?  Welcome to my daily world known as freshman teacher.

I'm not sure when it happens, nor why, but it seems that all of my students came to high school missing one (or more) of the three, and almost always the brain.  I have now made it my personal goal to help my 129 students find theirs and begin to make good use of it. Perhaps we're part of the way there.  Or maybe it was just a Monday....

Whew!! 

What a month it's been so far!  I have never been so busy in my life, but luckily, I am loving it!  The first week I lost my voice by the end of every day.  The second week I used my mother's trick and stopped yelling over the students.  I have quickly realized that every moment is a teachable moment and every day teaches me at least one profound lesson.

Here are some of the lessons I've learned so far:

1. Beg, borrow, and steal everything  you can from more experienced (a.k.a. older) teachers
2. Be flexible when planning for students
3. Project EVERYTHING on the board so that you can point instead of talking
4. Work smarter not harder
5. Don't grade everything, it's okay to have check grades
6. Students will retain about 1/50 of what you say
7. Every quiz will be a pop quiz for somebody in your class, even if you announced it the day before
8. We must figure out how to make students into independent learners
9. I will never see 20% of my paycheck
10. I still look like a high school student, but that makes me a cool teacher to some students

So "The Life in Between" has come to a close. The purpose of that particular blog was to fill you in on the musings of my life between college and the real world. For those of you unaware, the real world has begun!

For the last week I have spent my days in meetings and trainings, and have yet to develop one lesson plan. Go figure. Technically I am now employed by Amarillo ISD, though I won't receive my first check until Sept. 15. Now onto bigger and better things, and "Becoming Ms. Frizzle!" If I could get my graphic designer to work faster (you know who you are), I'd have my new blog lay-out. For now, know that I'm in transition and keep looking for the new design!!!

I have no natural light in my classroom...there is hardly any in the whole converted warehouse that is my school. I like sunlight. Obviously I can't cut a hole in my wall to the outside world, but I could fake it! The sunlight that is. So the question I pose to you is whether or not I should hang a cardboard sun in the middle of my classroom so to trick my mind that I have sunlight! Yes or no?

This afternoon I was bored because I am not working and I live alone. No surprise there. SO, I went to a craft store, bought a canvas and paintbrushes, and began the piece you see to the right. Most of you know that the image of the anchor, cross, and heart is very dear to me, I have it tattooed on my body after all (picture compliments Ashley Karlen of Joye Photography). Some of you may not know what it stands for, though; faith, hope, & love.

"And now these three remain; faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love."
1 Corinthians 13:13

I have heard this verse constantly throughout my life and always took it at face value. Until today. Why is love the greatest? We are told to have faith, to rest in hope. Are they too not of great importance? As always, my curiosity got the best of me and I dug in deeper. The commentary in my study Bible reads "Love supersedes the gifts because it outlasts them all. Long after these sought-after gifts (wisdom, knowledge, faith, healing, etc.) are no longer necessary (when we are in Heaven), love will still be the governing principle that controls all that God and his redeemed people are and do."

I want you to think about that. Why would faith be necessary when we are united once and forever more with God? Why would we need to have hope when what we've had our hope in has come true? Love will never end, it was, it is, and it will always be. It is for these reasons that love is the greatest of the three. Jesus after all is the embodiment of God's love for his children. True, he came to bring hope and inspire faith, but he is love.

What implications does this hold for our lives then? Does it mean that we stop hoping and having faith? NO! Absolutely not! I think that it indicates (and the Bible does agree) that everything should be done out of a spirit of love. "Do everything in love." 1 Corinthians 16:14. From love will spring hope and faith, for us and those around us. Focus on love. Rest in God's vast and embracing love. It will not fail you.

As I am reading the chapter on beauty in Captivating, an interesting thought is forming in my mind. The authors quote "The soul's inclination to love beauty is the trap God most frequently uses in order to win it." And my first thought was about mountains. To me, mountains are God's most beautiful landscape, cloaked in graceful trees swaying in the soft breeze and teeming with creatures of all shapes and sizes which capture the heart of all who venture but a step into their world. I would wager that I am not alone in this great reverence of the majesty and beauty of mountain ranges. In fact, I believe them to be the most alluring of places for most men. So are men attracted to the mountains solely for the adventure they promise, or is it first and foremost for the extravagant beauty they are able to experience when exploring the depths of the mountain?

I am beginning to think that it must be the beauty that first draws him in, or in the end wins him over. The taste of the crisp air, the symphony created by the living creatures, the remarkable sunrises, and the sense of wonder and awe that are instantly felt upon the journey upward. Mountains themselves provide not only their own beauty, but also a ladder, a better view to the rest of God's beautiful and boundless artwork. So, next time you venture to the mountains, ask yourself "is it the adventure or beauty that truly captures and wins my heart?"

New lesson learned: Don't tell God you're swearing something off (unless it's a bad vice). I had sworn off long distance relationships, they're just too much effort! I wanted someone who lived in town, someone to do the boring things with like laundry, grocery shopping, and lounging. Want to hear God's response? "Ha HA Ha!" (it sounds much like Santa's Ho HO Ho in my head).

Recently I reconnected with my old high school boyfriend which began as an hour long conversation here or there and turned into hours on Skype every day. Once we realized that friendship had become inevitable, it dawned on us that there was most likely something more than we thought. BUT, it's complicated. In high school we were long distance (surprise, surprise), but that was a measly 100 miles. Today those 100 miles we would both find refreshing instead of the 10,000 miles that currently separate us. You see, he's a marine, in Japan.

Since both of us had sworn off long distance, it took a lot of convincing to finally take the plunge and decide that we wanted to see if we could make it work. Well, here we are officially Facebook complicated. Now I just anxiously await his arrival back to the US next month so that he's not living in tomorrow while I'm still trying to get through today. Our 14 hour time difference will change from timezones to driving time. So we still have a long road ahead of us, but I have hope that it was more than fate that brought us back into one anothers' lives.

Today marks the end of an era at a wonderful church, A&M United Methodist Church. I have grown so much and have made so many wonderful friendships and memories which I will carry with me forever and everywhere I go. Leaving College Station isn't the hard part of moving, it's leaving those I love at the church that loved me back. From the moment I stepped through the doors that fateful Sunday in February 2008, I knew I had found a church to call home.

My favorite experiences at the church come from my two years as a youth counselor with the junior high girls. Talk about kids to keep you on your toes, and I love them so much for it. Their hearts are so pure and their love for each other and the Lord is a beautiful sight to behold! Most days I think they taught me more than I taught them. They taught me how to loosen up (Lord knows I needed that), act silly, and be spontaneous. I learned how to balance the roles of "adult" and friend. I will truly miss those random, rambunctious, rowdy ruffians! (like my alliteration?)

While serving as a youth counselor I also had the opportunity to meet (or get to know better) other fantastic counselors. Anytime two people serve the Lord together, you form an incredible bond that cannot be described and must be experienced. We learned from each other, we laughed with each other, we laughed at each other, we leaned on each other, and we grew to love each other. You all have a place in my heart and lodging in Amarillo.

This last semester I joined the Quarter-Lifers book club and was fed. Not physically (except for that one time Zara brought cupcakes), but spiritually. We had plans to focus on the book, Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller, but generally the book only provided the framework for our very random and brilliant discussions. Despite my short involvement with the group, the friends I made will have a special place in my heart.

During my first year at the church I was also involved with college ministries. I met two of my roommates and best friends through the group and will proudly serve as bridesmaid on their special days. I also made several other great friends who I will dearly miss as we go on our different paths, but I can't wait to see where life's journey takes them.

Last but not least, I was entirely blessed by the Adopt-an-Aggie program at the church. Mike and Carol are two of the sweetest people I have every met and they took me in (quite literally in January) as if I was their own daughter. They provided me with a roof over my head when my house had no heat or water, they took me to lunch (which is always wonderful when you're a poor college student), they came to an honors assembly for graduation when my own parents couldn't make it, and they invited me to their home for holidays with their family. I only hope that I have made half the difference in their lives as they've made in mine.

So, if you're reading this and live in College Station and don't have a church home, what are you waiting for!? If my testimony to the life and love that seeps from this church's ministries doesn't convince you to run immediately to its services, I don't know what's wrong with you.

Now I must go out and make disciples of all nations (or Texas, as it may be in my case), but I have been well equipped by all those with whom I came in contact at AMUMC. It's my turn to make a difference, I hope I won't let you down.

Becoming Ms. Frizzle: Adventures, trials, and successes of a new teacher...

Teaching: The hardest job you'll ever love...

I was preparing for the last college Sunday School I will teach and came across this gem that struck a chord with my heart. Imagine what a prayer for our nation would look like!

"O Lord, the great and awesome
God, who keeps his covenant of
love with all who love him and
obey his commands, we have
sinned and done wrong. We
have been wicked and have rebelled;
we have turned away from your
commands and laws. We have
not listened to your servants the
prophets, who spoke in your name
to our kings, our princes and our fa-
thers, and to all the people of the land.

"Lord, you are rigteous, but
this day we are covered with
shame--the men of Judah and
people of Jerusalem and all Israel,
both near and far, in all the countries
where you have scattered us be-
cause of our unfaithfulness to
you. O Lord, we and our kings,
our princes and our fathers are cov-
ered with shame because we have
sinned against you. The Lord our
God is merciful and forgiving, even
though we have rebelled against
him; we have not obeyed the
Lord our God or kept the laws he
gave us through his servants the
prophets. All Israel has trans-
gressed your law and turned
away, refusing to obey you.

"Therefore the curses and sworn
judgments written in the Law of
Moses, the servant of God, have been
poured out on us, because we have
sinned against you. You have ful-
filled the words spoken against us
and against our rulers by bringing
upon us great disaster. Under the
whole heaven nothing has ever been
done like what has been done to
Jerusalem. Just as it is written in
the Law of Moses, all this disaster
has come upon us, yet we have not
sought the favor of the Lord our
God by turning from our sins and
giving attention to your truth.
The Lord did not hesitate to bring
the disaster upon us, for the Lord
our God is righteous in everything
he does; yet we have not obeyed
him.

"Now, O Lord our God, who
brought your people out of Egypt
with a mighty hand and who made
for yourself a name that endures to
this day, we have sinned, we have
done wrong. O Lord, in keeping
with all your righteous acts, turn
away your anger and your wrath
from Jerusalem, your city, you
holy hill. Our sins and the iniqui-
ties of our fathers have made Jersa-
lem and your people an object of
scorn to all those around us.

"Now, our God, hear the prayers
and petitions of your servant. For
your sake, O Lord, look with favor
on your desolate sanctuary. Give
ear, O God, and hear; open your
eyes and see the desolation of the
city that bears your Name. We do
not make requests of you because we
are righteous, but because of your
great mercy. O Lord, listen!
O Lord, forgive! O Lord, hear and
act! For your sake, O my God, do
not delay, because your city and you
people bear your Name."

Daniel 9:4-19

As I watch the days quickly tick by I realize I need to either figure out a new title for my blog or decide if I'll continue to blog at all. Please post suggestions.

I think the euphoria of finding a job and signing a lease for an apartment has begun to wane. Instead of giddy, I feel downtrodden. Perhaps it's the full weight of last weekend's events hitting me.

It is strange to think that for about two years I had a phone call to look forward to every night and that time is now over. I do not regret the time spent getting to know such a wonderful young man, but the breaking up part hurts like (excuse my French) hell. Reminders are constantly around me, I cannot escape them. It's spring and everybody's in love. Everybody except me. And am I crying? No.

What is wrong with me? Why can I not cry? What is the disconnect between my heart and my tear ducts? Am I still numb? Will it hit me head-on in a couple weeks?

I shouldn't be home (in Canyon) today. I should be in College Station living my life as I usually do. But someone had different plans for me today.

Sunday brought pain and heartache to my life, the likes of which I'd never experienced. So, I decided on Sunday that I would rearrange my schedule and work with my employers to take a short visit home to be loved on and get some R&R. I figured that since I was in the area I might as well let Amarillo ISD and Canyon ISD know that I was around for a few days if they wanted any face-to-face interviews. Lo and behold, I wound up with four interviews in two days!

This morning I met with the principal, vice principal, and science chair at Amarillo Area Center for Advanced Learning (AACAL for short). I fell in love. The school is different than any school I've ever seen. The students apply to the program and want to be there. Only math and science courses are taught (students spend one half of the day at another local high school for English, history, etc). Students are motivated and (hopefully) nerdy! Any wonder as to why I fell in love?

After my hour and a half long interview at AACAL I headed to a middle school which I didn't hate, but I also didn't love. I headed home with all my hopes in the AACAL basket feeling that God had shown me what he had in store for my life. Not an hour after my second interview I received a call from HR in Amarillo offering me the biology position at AACAL! Out of professional respect for Canyon ISD, (with whom I had a 2:00pm interview) I did not give a decision immediately. But after find out that Canyon had nothing to offer me, the decision practically made itself.

That being said, I will officially begin work as a freshman biology teacher at AACAL in Amarillo ISD in early August! God is good and his timing is weird.

Longing Heart-By Jeremy Camp

What can separate us
From the love of Jesus Christ
Nothing this world can even change
The thought I once was lost
But now been given grace
It's a mystery that I will not chase

You are all this heart is longing for
Jesus, you are all my soul is pleading for

What can separate us
From the love of Jesus Christ
Nothing in this world can even change
The thought I once was lost
But now been given grace
It's a mystery I will not chase

I don't understand it
How you love the way you do
Even when I've fallen
You always lift me up to you

Music speaks to the soul and often speaks for the soul. So, until my soul can speak again, I plan to share lyrics for songs that reflect my life, mood, or otherwise. Today is "Surrender" by Barlow Girl.

"Surrender"

My hands hold safely to my dreams
Clutching tightly not one has fallen
So many years I've shaped each one
Reflecting my heart showing who I am
Now you're asking me to show
What I'm holding oh so tightly
Can't open my hands can't let go
Does it matter?
Should I show you?
Can't you let me go?

Surrender, surrender you whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know but can't you see?
My dreams are me. My dreams are me

You say you have a plan for me
And that you want the best for my life
Told me the world had yet to see
What you can do with one
That's committed to Your calling
I know of course what I should do
That I can't hold these dreams forever
If I give them now to You
Will You take them away forever?
Or can I dream again?

Tonight as I was driving home from my softball game and listening to KSBJ, I heard the song "I Will Wait." This wasn't the first time to hear the song, but this was the first time that it struck a chord with my heart. I realized that I have been worshiping, serving, and praising God conditionally. When life goes well, I willingly worship and serve. When life doesn't go so well, I don't.

Having recognized this tendency within myself, I am now going to consciously choose to serve and worship God even when life does not go as I planned. I am so impatient and I want my plans to happen when I want them to happen.

There seems to be a strange disconnect between my heart and and my head. In my head I know that God will provide, that his timing is perfect. But in my heart, I won't let go of control, or at least what I think is control.

So, as I said before, today I am choosing to worship, choosing to serve. I will do so because whether God follows my plans or not, he is worthy of worship, praise, and service. "While I wait, I will serve you. While I wait, I will worship. Even while I wait."

This weekend I went to a junior high youth retreat with my kiddos (the A&M UMC kids) and had a great time. The speaker has had quite a life story and I wanted to share with you the story he took us on throughout the weekend.

First: Our lives must fall apart.

This means we must realize that our lives are empty and lost without God. Once we realize that we are nothing without Him, we must

Fall out of control.

We constantly must make conscious decisions to willfully seek God's way. If we choose to continually grasp for control, we are not truly trusting God's will. Once we've let go we can

Fall in love.


Josh told us this weekend that God wrote us a love letter that shows all of his different types of love. In Genesis he is our Creator, in Exodus he is our Passover Lamb, in Numbers he is our Manna, in Leviticus he is our High priest.... Once we have fallen in love with our God, then we can

"Fall"ow his ways.

I pray that we love others to Christ and take his love with us wherever we go. Leave a legacy of love.

I think the Lord is trying to tell me something about how powerful and awe inspiring he is. This Sunday at church Laurinda gave a moving sermon about awe being an integral component of prayer. I'm talking, make-me-cry, sermon, and I don't cry easily. She spoke about finding awe in life, the creation of our Creator. Being awe is standing in the presence of something beyond understand, beyond recognition, beyond human capacity. She spoke of a boy whose father had passed away. He fell to his knees in the funeral home and cried out to the Lord saying, "Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh" because no words could describe his emotion. I've been there. I've walked that valley where understanding is lost. There aren't maps for those times. The times when we stand utterly confused and perplexed by a God who is so much greater. A God who deserves our awe.

Tonight as I was reading for book club tomorrow I came across this idea of awe and wonder at our maker. Donald Miller explained that not being able to understand God and all of his boundless measure is a great comfort to him. I agree. Knowing that we are created, thus our Creator must be greater, makes me know that it's okay to not know (did you understand that confusing thought?). There are so many aspects of my life that cause me to question and worry and fret, for what though? God has it under control. He is so much greater and beyond my understanding that I should have no fear. The only fear I need in my life is a holy fear, a reverent fear of my Maker.

So today I make it a point to truly try to lay my worries at the One who created me and to simply lift my heart, my head, and my hands in awe and wonder. The lyrics below belong to a song that I've heard about 100 times this semester and fit this idea of not being capable of full understanding. For I do not and cannot understand the holiness of God and his unfailing, compassionate love. I think my heart wrote this song and sent it to Addison Road.


What Do I Know of Holy-By Addison Road

I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life "its" name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?

Tonight is Passover, the day that Christians recognize as Maundy Thursday, the day that, almost 2000 years ago, Jesus shared his last meal with his disciples. Every year before that ominous one, families would sacrifice a lamb to remember that God had brought them out of Egypt. The next day changed the rest of history.

Tomorrow is Good Friday, the day Jesus was sacrificed as our Passover Lamb. He is blameless, sinless, and the embodiment of love. His blood has washed away my sin if I believe in him and ask him for forgiveness. I am not worthy of his love, yet he freely gives it to me, a sinner. Never forget the time between Palm Sunday and Easter! Never forget that Jesus took up my cross and your cross, carried them on his shoulder up Calvary, and was crucified so that I might have everlasting life! Easter would not have value without Good Friday, so I urge you to remember the sacrifice of our Lord of love today, tomorrow, and always. He has ransomed our hearts so that we might join him and praise him for all of our days. So fall down at his thrown and worship the great God of forgiveness and love.

Back in February I had a few friends welcome me to the "insignificant birthdays" when I turned 22. I laughed and agreed that, yes, this year would be the first of many unimportant birthdays hardly worth celebrating. BUT (there's always a but), recently I have spent much time considering my age and how significant it is in my family.

It probably seems odd that at the age of 22 I have thought a lot about death. Not in the sense that I want to or think that I will die soon. No, I've thought about death because Chris was 22 when he died. It seems very strange to now be 22 and realize how little I have lived in comparison to his 22 years of life. Even before he got sick he was a bit more of a rolling stone than I am or have ever been. When he got sick, however, life was his oyster. He drove all over this country in my dad's modified truck so that he could take his right foot off and drive with his left. He went to see his favorite bands wherever they happened to play. He waited outside in the rain to have them autograph his leg (or sandal if they were not completely lucid). He and my mom flew to California to see the aquarium. He lived life with no regrets!

I am now 22 and have been to so few concerts I can probably count them on 1-2 hands. The furthest west I have ever been is New Mexico. I don't generally stand in the rain to wait for anything in fear that my hair might grow in volume. I have finished my bachelor's degree, have decided what I want my career to be. I have loved deeply. I have had my heart broken. I have lived with a lesser degree of fervor.

Some days I feel like the one left behind. It's a strange feeling especially at the holidays. Our table used to always have four Hinders and now it only has three. The emptiness I sometimes feel is almost stronger feeling than his actual presence (which is quite significant considering his size). I know this feeling of loss is just an echo of my parents' pain. There are days that I can't imagine how much their hearts hurt and how big the hole is in their hearts.

Other days that I feel the hole in my heart are big events that aren't holidays. I wish Chris could have seen me graduate from college. I wish he were around to pick on my boyfriend and give his sarcastic remarks. But honestly, it's not the big things I miss. It's the small everyday things. I don't have many only-children friends which means almost all of my friends have at least one brother or sister. At times I am unintentionally hurt by them and the flippancy with which they treat their siblings. I wish that I could call 570-5425 and chat with Chris about all of the crap that is going on in my life. He would be able to give me a reality check and perspective. I wish I could just call him and shoot the breeze, find out what trashy girl he was dating (Sally, this you are not included in this because you were his only non-trashy girlfriend) and which bands were on the docket. I wish I could call and just hear his voice. I guess I'll have to wait until I see him again face to face, I just hope I can remember what he looks and sounds like.

So, no, 22 is not insignificant. In fact 23 just may be the most significant birthday I will ever have. It will be the strangest, but most beautiful birthday to know that God has saved me for something special here on earth. Now I just have to seek out what that something special is.

I am currently walking through a valley that is very similar to the one that King Nebuchadnezzar faced in Daniel 4. In this chapter the king who was the greatest among all earthly kings during his time had everything stripped from him; his possessions, his power, his dignity, and even his sanity. BUT, it was only temporary (through seven times to be exact).

Though I have not lost everything, I have lost one of the most significant aspects of my life recently. I spent most of yesterday crying because of a hole the size of Texas in my heart. As I am writing this my eyes are filled close to the brim. I know that God has a purpose for this time in my life, he always does. Lately I have been relying solely on myself and have not turned my gaze toward God's goals. He has brought me to my rope's end and I now must rely on him. So I ask for prayers of strength and guidance during this time.

I decided to try my hand at the "Here's Your Sign" thing...let me hear your thoughts and suggestions.

PS-This one's for my caffeine addicted friends :)


You know you're a frequenter of Starbucks when....

the baristas greet you by name as you walk in the door.

they notice when you're late.

they notice if you've missed a day.

you think the coolest invention since sliced bread is the coffee collar.

you never order but always get the right drink.

you constantly have that deer-in-the headlights look.

you go through caffeine withdrawal after a few hours.

you know the exact cost, to the penny, of your "regular."

you spend more money on coffee than food each day.

Every single time I hear about sharing burdens I remember the song "Lean on Me." The song tells those listening to find a friend to lean on in the hard times. It reminds everybody that friends can help carry your burden. BUT, it left out a key verse. The missing verse should have said that in addition to sharing your worries and troubles, share your joys and happiness.

Sometimes the strongest lessons are the ones that hurt the most. Tonight somebody loved me enough to tell me she wanted to share in my joys, that she had been my burden bearer for too long. She was absolutely right. I have been selfish. I have passed along my troubles, withheld my excitement, and offered neither a shoulder nor a shared laugh. It takes incredible strength and bravery to confront a friend. I am reminded of Neville in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. At the end of the story, Dumbledore awards Neville points for standing up to his friends saying that "It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends."

We are all familiar with the benefits of unloading our baggage on others-it takes the weight off of our shoulders. I think, however, we overlook the power of sharing our joys. Joy is like love, the more you share, the more you have. It doesn't diminish what you already possess, rather sharing allows joy to grow and become bigger than possible when in solitary confinement. Also, friends want to delight in life's greatness, they want to be witness to all that Life is offering you. Sharing the gift of joy makes bearing burdens easier.

For those of you with whom I've shared only my burdens, I am choosing to share my joys (we'll call them the mountains amidst the valleys) with you today.

1. I've been blessed with 3 incredible job opportunities this semester which will prepare me for my goal of becoming a teacher. I am tutoring 7th and 8th graders at a local middle school. Each day I leave that classroom I have a smile on my face no matter the behavior of the students. They bring me joy. They make my heart smile. I also have the daunting/exciting task of rebuilding the college ministry at Covenant Presbyterian Church. I look at it as a challenge in realm of pioneering. I've begun to see progress in the short 3 weeks which I have been employed and I know that it is God doing amazing work for His kingdom. My third job is the one that challenges me most, but also makes me grow the most. I have the terrifying role known as substitute teacher. I have yet to experience a subbing position that didn't leave me beaten at the end of the day, but today I choose to find lessons to be learned. I am learning, as a future teacher, to respect those brave souls who will sub for me. I am learning to strike fear into the hearts of my future students lest they treat any sub poorly. I am learning to be flexible (probably the most difficult of those lessons for this Type A).

2. I am finally being poured into at church. This semester I discovered a group called the Quarter Lifers at the Methodist church I attend and have fallen in love with their fellowship. I am being challenged. I am being fed. I am being led. God is so good! We're currently reading Blue Like Jazz for our book club and I am being challenged in my faith every week. This group is not afraid to ask the "scary" questions, they are not afraid to make me feel uncomfortable in my own skin. They are fierce.

3. No school=free time to read. This semester I have already read Wild at Heart and Captivating in which I learned heaps of information about my heart and the hearts of the men that are around me. I've learned that I'm running from the One who I should be running toward. God is passionately pursuing a real, deep, and intimate relationship with me, yet I'm running away! Recognizing this is the first step in healing. The second step I'm taking is...(see number 4)

4. I've made a true commitment to myself and God that I will for the first time in my life read my Bible cover to cover. I am currently half-way through Exodus and I'm finding amazing insight every day!

5. I have some amazing friends who have shouldered more of their fair share of my burden. They have listened, and listened, and listened some more. Hopefully they are reading now to share in my (previously) hidden/hoarded joy.

I am reminded of The Secret Garden (for some reason I'm filled with pop-culture references today). The joys in our lives are like gardens filled with beautiful flowers, and if we hide the keys to our gardens we prevent ourselves from seeing joy in others. So, I challenge you to join me in unlocking your garden, becoming vulnerable, and sharing the wonders that God has given you!

Below you will find my first assignment for my certification process. If you are confused, it regards my ideas about my educational experience, my goals as an educator, and my views on the purpose of education. Happy Reading!

I was fortunate to go to school in a very nurturing environment where a love of learning was fostered and nourished. As is expected in thirteen years of education, I had experiences that were fulfilling and others that were disappointing. The teachers that I remember best were those that challenged me to learn as much as possible and who ensured that I had a firm grasp of the material. These teachers, I now know, loved not only teaching and growing minds, but they also loved learning, especially in their content area. They set an example that learning could be exciting. They were model students and masters of information exploration. I dreaded most the classrooms in which surpassing the state requirements for learning was not an option. These teachers taught to a test and taught how to take a test, but never beyond those measures. I felt that I was suffocating between the margins and that there was little to no room for uncharted growth.

I believe that the goal of education is to eventually make the need for teachers obsolete. This does not come from the replacement of teachers with computer technology, rather from the inspiration of great teaching. Great teachers have the ability to pass along a love of learning and acquiring as much knowledge as possible. In a perfect world, students would get so excited about the prospect of new knowledge that they would seek it out until they found it. Teachers would become facilitators of exploration rather than instructors simply imparting the knowledge they have acquired. In a perfect world, the student becomes their own teacher because their insatiable need for knowledge extends beyond they classroom.

However, we do not and will not ever live in that perfect world. Thus the teacher’s job is to work toward that goal of extinction each and every year. A teacher has the responsibility to provide a safe and conducive environment in which students can learn. When students feel safe they will then feel comfortable enough to accept knowledge and begin to explore the capacities of their minds. A wise teacher once told me that “Students don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” Teachers must want to be where they are. They must want to be imparters of wisdom. They must enjoy working with students. Once knowledge acquisition begins, an excitement and love of learning can take root, and the best way a teacher can inspire students to love learning and exploration of new frontiers is to lead by example. So teachers ought to first provide an appropriate arena for learning and then lead the way through uncharted territory.

I believe as a science teacher I have the easiest job when it comes to inspiring students to go to unexplored regions of the world. In my classroom I plan to give brief lectures followed by interaction with the concept. Group lab work and discussion will be done on a regular basis so that content can be applied since action is often the best teacher. In this way I also hope to reach all learning types, auditory, visual, and kinesthetic. The auditory students will learn from lectures and discussion, visual students from materials presented during lecture and lab, and kinesthetic students from the activities in lab. It is my hope that learning will not be a chore, rather a delight which can then inspire further independent information seeking.

I plan to set up my class in a way that informs the students that their education is the goal, but that it is not going to require them to be passive. Active learners are engaged learners, and engaged learners are not falling asleep. Safety, however, must be the number one goal during lab activities to ensure that no student is harmed, inappropriate behavior cannot be tolerated. I have learned from experience that students are more likely to follow guidelines when they have been involved in the development process and can take ownership. Students should be aware of rules and procedures and consequences for actions. In this way I will not only teach life science, but I will also teach life lessons. One of the most frustrating events for students is to not know if their performance and knowledge meets the expectations set forth by the teacher. I plan to do daily evaluations, not always for a grade, to let the students know what they have yet to master and to make myself aware of where I may need to fill in the gaps. Everything done in the classroom ought to be done to achieve the end goal of greater understanding for student and teacher.

Goals are necessary in every facet of life, for if you do not know where you are headed, you do not know which steps to take. My most immediate goal is to secure a teaching position in a Texas public school in my certification area. Upon achievement of that goal, I hope to then find the most effective way to make students comfortable and successful in my classroom. Success is achieving the most you are personally capable of. I plan to set an example of a positive attitude, excitement about knowledge, and a passion for teaching. Maybe then, the students will also love biology as I have grown to love it over the past eight years.

This morning (about 5 minutes ago) I sad down at my computer to work on an assignment for my teacher cert program. Instead I chose to read my short devotional for the day. Let me preface by stating that one day while I was perusing Half Price Books I began looking through their devotionals and came across this cute little book with very short devos called Joy Breaks: 90 Devotions to Celebrate, Simplify, and Add Laughter to Your Life. I thought, what the heck and bought it. What a steal!

These 2-3 page devotionals make me smile and think and analyze my life every day! Today was "Enough is Enough," which I thought was going to be about when you've had so much stress in your life you should....but NO! This was about contentment in what God has already given us. So many times I find myself looking for things to do outside of my house in order to achieve great entertainment. Hello...my house has TONS of books, magazines (mostly Bridal, thanks engaged roomies-I avoid these mags), movies, and a tv. We have board games, card games, and dominoes. I have letters I could write, friends I could call (even though I mostly likely would text first), and recipes to experiment with. Yet I still think that I will find what I need outside of my house. WRONG. The line that caught me most was this, "If contentment cannot be found within yourself, you'll never find it." How true!

So, from this day forward I am going to do my best to find contentment where I am instead of seeking it out from the world. I'm not going to find it out there. It lies in my heart.

I've made a new decision (say resolution, but that's so January!). That decision is to read the Bible cover to cover. Right now I'm in Exodus (the book, not the experience). In the midst of reading chapter 4, I was caught off guard.

The Lord said to him, "Who gave man his mouth? Whoe makes him deaf or mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go, I will help you speak and will teach you what to say"

Wow! So, does that mean that blindness, deafness, and muteness (spelling?) are gifts from God? I'm not entirely sure, but this is what I take from the situation, but you'll have to imagine along with me. When in junior high I went on a church retreat during which we were blindfolded. While blindfolded, I learned to rely more on my other senses. Sounds seemed more profound, smell was heightened, touch was more significant. When we were once again "given our sight," everything seemed more beautiful. So maybe blindness, deafness, and "muteness" are not punishment, nor are they an experience for which to feel sorry. Rather, they are an opportunity to hear more sweetly, feel more strongly, smell more fully, and taste more profoundly.

Everything from God is an opportunity to find the diamond in the rough. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. And God only gives us as much as we can handle. So, get out there and experience the world for everything it has to offer, impairments and all!

This one's for you, Mom.

Once upon a time there was this adorable little girl who loved her mother very much and gave her no troubles at all...until she hit puberty. Then she was a terror to her mother. Those next 7+ years were a trying time for both the girl and her mother, neither knew if they would make it through alive. By the grace of God, they did make it through. The little girl, now a young adult, moved 500 miles away to go to college and follow her dreams (and discover new ones) and the fighting and bickering began to wane more and more each year. Now this young woman is a college graduate, soon to be teacher, and misses her mother dearly because she has become one of her closest and dearest friends. This just goes to show that absence can make the heart grow fonder.

I'm sure you figured out that this is not a fairy tale story that you had never heard before now, it is the story of my life in a very small nutshell. My formative teenage years were quite terrible for my mother. She and I are very much alike and we were like two north poles on different magnets being forced together. We fought all the time, and boy were they good fights. I knew exactly which buttons to push to make her explode simply because they were the same buttons that would make me explode. But, we worked things out and I don't think any permanent damage was done.

Today I wish that my mom wasn't a teacher so I could call her in the middle of the day to just chat. Both of my roommates are able to do so and I miss the days when it was possible for me. My mother is an amazing woman who is so strong and has been through so much. She loves fiercely and passionately and works so hard at everything she does. Even throughout my terror years she encouraged me in everything I did and supported me through it all. I would not be the person that I am today without her. I hope that I am half the teacher she has become in three short years and I pray that when I have kids they will know as much love as I received as I grew up. If you haven't met this wonderful woman I speak of, you are sure missing out.

Love is a verb, not a feeling.

This is not news to me, but it was a great reminder that I got last night at youth from a junior in high school (a guy actually). If you look up love in the dictionary it will probably say that love is a noun and that it means something like "a feeling of great passion." All I have to say is, bologna! Love is putting another person's needs before your own. It is making a risk to take care of someone it. It's an action of sacrifice.

Obviously this weekend there was a lot of talk about "love" everywhere thanks to Valentine's Day, but as usual we all bought into the hearts made out of sugar, balloons, and chocolate. If we are to truly emulate true love, we aren't supposed to just buy flowers and chocolate, but to honestly try to walk in the other person's shoes.

Another point (while I'm up here on my soap-box of sorts), love is not just meant for those that we are romantically involved with. We are instructed to love everyone just as we love ourselves. This is where the English language makes the word love very complicated. My friend Sam would reference the three different love words in Greek to help explain the process. I am not a Greek scholar nor can I fully explain love (honestly, who can?). But what I know is that we should all strive to love one another by not always putting our feelings and hopes and dreams before everybody else in the world. We as Americans have become very selfish (hello American Dream)! We have begun to turn a blind eye to those that are hurting around us because we love our money so much (worship it might correct in some situations) and because we're afraid that we might get hurt when helping and loving someone else.

So I don't know that I have any "real" advice, but here's my suggestion for the day: get out there and risk loving people. Risk doing something. It's not enough to feel compassion or simply passion for those around you, you must do something about it. I realize that I am not the best at following my own advice on this one, so I am also saying this for my own benefit.

Remember actions speak louder than words=doing an act of kindness/love for someone else speaks louder than saying that you love them.

I'm not sure if it's the weather, or if it's me, or if it's something else entirely, but I've been feeling a little off kilter lately. I don't feel like myself. I don't feel like talking a whole lot, especially not on the phone. My head is just not here this week. So if I've seemed distant, I'm sorry. That's all I've got.

Monday was the big day! It was the day I had to take my 8-12 Life Science TExES (for those of you unfamiliar with that one, it's my certification test). Yesterday I got my score. Yesterday I learned that I passed! Yesterday gave me a sense that, I am in the right place, this is what I'm supposed to be doing. God is so good!!! Come on August!

What if you slept? And what if, in
your sleep, you dreamed?

And what if, in your dream, you went to
heaven and there plucked a strange
and beautiful flower?

And what if, when you awoke, you had
the flower in your hand?

Ah, what then?

Samuel Taylor Coleridge

The current sermon series at church is 'Enough,' so I thought this song would be appropriate to share today. God does supply everything we need. We are blessed so that we can bless others. So think about ways that you can share all of your gifts with other. Gifts of time, talents, and treasures. For treasures are temporary and fleeting. When we leave this world for the next we cannot take our accumulations with us, we go ahead without them. Don't let your treasures define who you are or who you want to be, unless your treasure is God the Father Almighty, Maker of Heaven and Earth. Today a friend told me how she looks at tithes: God has given us everything we have and He lets us keep 90% of what is His! So really, who's getting the better end of the deal! Give of yourself and you will be richly blessed!


All of You is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough

You are my supply
My breath of life
And still more awesome than I know
You are my reward
worth living for
And still more awesome than I know

All of You is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough

You’re my sacrifice
Of greatest price
And still more awesome than I know
You’re the coming King
You are everything
And still more awesome than I know

More than all I want
More than all I need
You are more than enough for me
More than all I know
More than all I can say
You are more than enough for me

So, no Tulsa trip this weekend because Old Man Winter decided otherwise. Rain followed by snow throughout podunk Oklahoma is not great for driving conditions. So I looked on the sub website for jobs and found one for high school science. Not just high school science, but high school biology! So I get to teach what I hope to be teaching for the rest of my life tomorrow! Wish me luck!

Today my devotional was about Psalm 23:2, and I was thinking about where my green pastures and still waters are. For me, it's sitting with my legs dangling of the cliff walls of Palo Duro Canyon looking down into Ceta Glen Church Camp-the place where so often I discovered pieces of my heart. Every summer for 12 years I would spend at least one week at my beloved church camp worshiping the Lord in one of the most beautiful places I have ever been. It is hard to not see God as an amazing artist when visiting.

Inevitably we would hike to the lit cross at least 2-3 times during the week, but that's not my special place. My special place was sitting next the old wooden cross. We didn't go there often, but every time that we did was a time for spiritual reflection. I remember the soft breeze that caressed my cheek and held me in its warm embrace. I felt completely safe and completely in awe. There never will be another place like my seat on the edge of the canyon rim.

I think there is a metaphor in that cliff. When I was sitting on the edge of disaster I never feared that I was in danger. I felt comforted in God's beauty and imagination, despite the 200 foot drop into the deep ravine. It's like life is the canyon below and God is the cliff above. If we trust in Him and let Him hold us, we are completely safe. But there are hills and mountains that we must climb to get to our destination. Those mountains are so worth it! Nothing can touch you in that moment when God's arms are wrapped fully around you.

It has been four years since I was physically sitting in my favorite spot, but I revisit it in my heart and mind much more frequently. Every time I was in yoga class and the instructor told us to picture the place where we were calmest and most at rest, it was the canyon's edge on the verge of disaster that I always pictured. Today as I'm feeling a little uneasy I picture myself on that cliff, in God's warm embrace. I am comforted to know that God is with me here in my heart. He leadeth me to green pastures, even when I don't want to take a break from my life. He maketh me lie down near quiet streams. He knows what I need so much better than I know myself.

So today, I am on my canyon's edge not waiting patiently or impatiently for anything, just resting in my loving Lord's arms.

So, I realize I dropped the ball on the whole keeping you (my one follower) updated on my life status. Quite a bit has happened since I last blogged. Here it goes. Last Thursday, I had 0 official jobs. Last Friday, I had 3! HA! When it rains it pours. The three infamous jobs are:

1. College Station ISD Substitute
2. College Station Middle School Tutor
3. Covenant Presbyterian College/Youth/Children Intern (I like to call it the future generations ministries)

Today I begin my tutoring position and next week I'll begin subbing and work at the church. I'm unsure what exactly my job at the church will require, but I am excited! It's kind of great to be getting paid for what I've been doing for several years now! Paid to be a church...almost seems wrong...almost.

I still have no idea what my life holds after May, but that will come with patience and time. I have been trying to let go of my stress and anxiety about the whole situation and my life has suddenly gotten brighter. Coincidence?-I think not!

So for today, I am patiently waiting for what is next and looking forward to what happens today!